Monday, July 25, 2005

The Human Girth Scale


My sister and I, we're sick. We're obsessive, hyper neurotic people, and we're also complete bitches. Like most girls, we've been at various levels on the scale and have tried many foolish and not so foolish regimens in sometimes desperate attempts to get to our preferred size. We're so hung up on this shit that on a recent drive across the country (in a covered wagon, but that's for another post) we concocted a system for classifying all humans according to their size, or girth.

There are essentially six stages of human girth on this scale. There are also a few special types, but we'll cover those later.




Stage 1: Skinny
This is self explanatory. We're talking a skin and bones type of person here. A stringbean. A beanpole. Skeletor types, if you want to be mean about it. Keckie insists that I mention that the natural Skinny type will always be skinny no matter what or how much he or she eats. Anorexics don't really count, because they usually pork back up to normal at some point or another.
Famous examples: Kate Moss, Uma Thurman, Martin McFriend


Joey Ramone is a prototypical Skinny

Stage 2: Fit
Essentially this is a Skinny with muscles. Olympians. Shape magazine models. Hot dude soccer players.
Famous examples: The Venus Williams Sisters, Ryan Reynolds, Christian Bale, Britney Spears before she got all white trash up in that bitch (essentially pre K-Fed), the Pressnalls


Ok, these dudes are complete cheesedicks, but check out the abs!

Stage 3: Average
Average, not fat type of people. They can be fit, just not really lean. They might have a figure flaw, like a gut or a big ass, but are essentially in good condition. The Average category encompasses most of you and the people you know.
Famous examples: Catherine Zeta-Jones, Will Farrell, Ryan Adams, Kate Winslet (although she may be a Skinny now)


Looking average, feeling great.

Stage 4: Plumpkin
This is a category for people who have started to creep outside the boundaries of what is acceptable. Like they should probably drop 20, but you can still see a shadow of the fit/average person they once were, so it's kind of weird to look at them because you're still freaked out about that double chin. Let these people serve as a warning to you.
Famous examples: It's difficult to be famous at this level, because it's really neither here nor there. Actually, the current Courtney Love is a textbook Plumpkin. But I bet she'll be back to skinny in no time, or at least as soon as that adderol prescription gets filled. Also maybe Jack Black.


These are Plumpkins. Although one could argue that the guy with the black tanktop is on the Plumpkin/Average cusp.

Stage 5: Blimpus
Now this is where you are when you've officially let yourself go. Blimpuses do not go out for a jog, not ever - they would prefer to eat treats and watch tv. They are the people who buy the pound cake at the gas station. Blimpuses have to lose at least 50lbs to be hot. This is a look that's frequently sported in the midwest, and may not even be a deterrant to getting laid there.
Famous examples: Star Jones, Rosie O'Donnell, Horatio Sanz, Randy Jackson, Elizabeth Taylor


I don't know what this guy's doing, but he's a well formed Blimpus.

Stage 6: Blimp
If you've gotten here, Zod help you because you've passed the point of no return.
Famous examples: that woman who became fused to her couch, Hambone, John Candy, Marlon Brando in his later years


Damn girl. Best lay off the Krispy Kremes.


Any questions?

20 Comments:

At 9:41 PM, Anonymous KECKIES said...

PERFECT!

 
At 9:43 PM, Anonymous KECKIES said...

LSHISIMP!

 
At 9:59 PM, Blogger Satisfied '75 said...

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!

Best post ive ever read.

LSHIMB

 
At 10:20 PM, Blogger Martin McFriend said...

Those Euros in the plumpkin category are just plain weird, man. There may also be a category called tugboat or balloon or barge or whale that could encompass those two motorcycle riding twins from the Guiness book of world records.

 
At 6:58 AM, Blogger Breff said...

Holy shit! That's awesome. I'm trying to think if I can come up with anyone who's been all of those body type. Might be impossible.

 
At 8:37 AM, Blogger sasefina said...

One word: Oprah

 
At 8:37 AM, Anonymous keckies said...

OPRAH BREFF.... OPRAH

 
At 11:42 AM, Blogger Martin McFriend said...

Also, I must say that you completely assaulted the Midwest with this post. You sick bitch.

 
At 11:58 AM, Blogger Satisfied '75 said...

you mean "flyover zone" marty

 
At 1:54 PM, Anonymous bobo souls said...

what if you sometimes (often) want to get the pound cake at the gas station but don't. does that mean i'm experiencing the symptoms of blimpus? how long have i got, doctor. how long til total blimpus.

 
At 4:57 PM, Blogger sasefina said...

Well bobo, if we assume that one piece of pound cake is about 350 calories, and you eat 10 pieces of pound cake per week, you would gain about a pound a week. And I would say you need to gain at least fifty lbs to be a Blimpus. So I'm thinking it would take you just under a year to get there. Although you'd start developing symptoms once you hit Plumpkin territory. Be careful!

 
At 8:02 PM, Blogger TripleJ said...

Brilliant post ... and damn if I don't remember those motorcycling riding twins.

 
At 5:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Sasefina,

A "friend" of mine has an issue with Tommy Burger Mega-Combos after midnight, post-binge-drinking. How long before he/she enters the plumpkin/blimpus realm?

Sincerely,

Hungry Alchoholic In Hollywood

 
At 8:16 PM, Blogger Venkman said...

Where can I get the digits for the last chick?

 
At 9:06 PM, Blogger sasefina said...

Dear Hungry Alcoholic,

Me too. I mean I'm also a hungry alcoholic.

But that's beside the point. I estimate the Mega Combo to be somewhere in the 3000 calorie range, so basically if you ate one of these per week (in addition to whatever else you're already eating, of course) you could gain nearly a pound a week. T minus one year til Blimpus.

Holla!

 
At 9:06 PM, Blogger sasefina said...

Venkman -- try 310-tub-lard

 
At 9:26 PM, Blogger Satisfied '75 said...

what kind of fatass eats a mega combo? wow.

 
At 8:22 AM, Blogger sasefina said...

Good question. There are some interesting people out there.

 
At 8:11 PM, Blogger cgpop said...

In answer to breff's ? about a person fitting into all six categories during a lifetime, possibly Jim Morrison.

 
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Unfortunately,there wasnt a damn thing she could do that wouldnt bring kids who werelikely to arrive on the scene anyway. Now she knew why they hadnt bothered with ablindfold.

 

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