The Human Girth Scale

My sister and I, we're sick. We're obsessive, hyper neurotic people, and we're also complete bitches. Like most girls, we've been at various levels on the scale and have tried many foolish and not so foolish regimens in sometimes desperate attempts to get to our preferred size. We're so hung up on this shit that on a recent drive across the country (in a covered wagon, but that's for another post) we concocted a system for classifying all humans according to their size, or girth.

There are essentially six stages of human girth on this scale. There are also a few special types, but we'll cover those later.




Stage 1: Skinny
This is self explanatory. We're talking a skin and bones type of person here. A stringbean. A beanpole. Skeletor types, if you want to be mean about it. Keckie insists that I mention that the natural Skinny type will always be skinny no matter what or how much he or she eats. Anorexics don't really count, because they usually pork back up to normal at some point or another.
Famous examples: Kate Moss, Uma Thurman, Martin McFriend


Joey Ramone is a prototypical Skinny

Stage 2: Fit
Essentially this is a Skinny with muscles. Olympians. Shape magazine models. Hot dude soccer players.
Famous examples: The Venus Williams Sisters, Ryan Reynolds, Christian Bale, Britney Spears before she got all white trash up in that bitch (essentially pre K-Fed), the Pressnalls


Ok, these dudes are complete cheesedicks, but check out the abs!

Stage 3: Average
Average, not fat type of people. They can be fit, just not really lean. They might have a figure flaw, like a gut or a big ass, but are essentially in good condition. The Average category encompasses most of you and the people you know.
Famous examples: Catherine Zeta-Jones, Will Farrell, Ryan Adams, Kate Winslet (although she may be a Skinny now)


Looking average, feeling great.

Stage 4: Plumpkin
This is a category for people who have started to creep outside the boundaries of what is acceptable. Like they should probably drop 20, but you can still see a shadow of the fit/average person they once were, so it's kind of weird to look at them because you're still freaked out about that double chin. Let these people serve as a warning to you.
Famous examples: It's difficult to be famous at this level, because it's really neither here nor there. Actually, the current Courtney Love is a textbook Plumpkin. But I bet she'll be back to skinny in no time, or at least as soon as that adderol prescription gets filled. Also maybe Jack Black.


These are Plumpkins. Although one could argue that the guy with the black tanktop is on the Plumpkin/Average cusp.

Stage 5: Blimpus
Now this is where you are when you've officially let yourself go. Blimpuses do not go out for a jog, not ever - they would prefer to eat treats and watch tv. They are the people who buy the pound cake at the gas station. Blimpuses have to lose at least 50lbs to be hot. This is a look that's frequently sported in the midwest, and may not even be a deterrant to getting laid there.
Famous examples: Star Jones, Rosie O'Donnell, Horatio Sanz, Randy Jackson, Elizabeth Taylor


I don't know what this guy's doing, but he's a well formed Blimpus.

Stage 6: Blimp
If you've gotten here, Zod help you because you've passed the point of no return.
Famous examples: that woman who became fused to her couch, Hambone, John Candy, Marlon Brando in his later years


Damn girl. Best lay off the Krispy Kremes.


Any questions?