Fortune Cookie

So, I'm in Seattle for a month. A month of drizzle, cab rides, early mornings, frantic phone calls, itineraries, media statements, ulterior motives, external and internal agendas, space needles, caffeine overload, grey skies, quick heart beats, too much wine, strange communications, life in fast forward. A weekend in Portland, a cross country weekend trip, an unclear idea of where exactly I'm going with this. A last minute work opportunity that I grabbed without thinking because for myriad reasons I needed to get the fuck out of LA for a bit.

So far so good. Not that I've had any time to examine. Not that I really want to. My blog tagline was apt. "...I'm living for the now." And I can't consider the past because basically I can't change it, so what's the point? We're all about logic here. If I was Youngling #2, one of my steps would most certainly be something like "step 59: you can't change the past. All you can do is concentrate on making a better now and working towards a better future. It's true that you're a fuck up in case you were wondering -- because probably you done fucked up. But the only thing that matters is what you do from here on out. This is life. Don't fuck around, because tomorrow you could be dead. Or worse, you could lose total control of all bodily functions and well, that would just not be cool, because how would you ever get laid again?" (Did that sound like Y2? Because I meant for it to.) Of course I am a bossy person so I feel fine about issuing decrees like this, but generally, I would be the first person to tell you I don't have a fucking clue what I'm doing. But that's the other thing is that no one else does either. We're all going on base instinct here, and in the best case scenario, we're trying to not hurt other people. But that's inevitable too now, isn't it?

But the fortune cookie.



I got the fortune cookie the other night. It said: "the most important relationship is with yourself." And I believe that's true. Because it all starts with you. Because no matter who you're sleeping with, you're the one whose thoughts you have to deal with on a daily basis (or in the middle of the night, which is often the worst time.) And because if you're pissed off, or regretful, or resentful, or afraid, that rubs off on the people around you. This is not to say we don't have our moments. Half the time I'm in a depressive k-hole. But I had a bad experience when I was 15 when something happened that I could have controlled but I didn't (or couldn't) and from that moment on I decided that I wanted to live my life so that I never had regrets. Mistakes happen, bad judgements happen, but all you can do is pick up and move on.

Now, I'm back to the drizzle and hotel room and introspection and dinners alone and apprehension about the future and loneliness and occasional sorrow I have to deal with here in my little life. But what I'm not back to is regret and angst. Because that's not the way I choose to roll.

So run along. And while you're here on the interweb go download Iron and Wine's "The Trapeze Swinger." Because it's a beautiful song. And you need more beauty.